Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Trust

"Do you trust Me?"

A few months ago I was really struggling with my diagnosis, response to treatment, and generally stressing out about what the next go-to plan would be for getting rid of the cancer that is trying to take over my body. This was during a time when going out for a run was still an option for me. I [used to] love running. It is a perfect way to clear your head and help you think more clearly.

At the end of a run one day, I could hear God asking me, "Ashleigh, do you trust me?"

I have trusted God with finding me a mate, blessing me with children, and helping me make career and life decisions. I even trust him when making an online purchase that I'm not sure will arrive at my house the right shade of beige (an exaggeration, but not by much!).

Before the run I had started the post - "Losing HOPE" and when I came back I finished the last paragraph. I can picture right where I was in our loop around the block when my heart finally submitted to His will and I said - "Lord, I trust you. No matter what the outcome. I trust that you will work all things out for my good and your glory- even if that means death."

This surrender of my heart and ultimately my life is a weekly, daily, and sometimes hourly exercise. How many times in the last week since finding out the cancer has spread have I been upset? How many times has a beautiful moment laughing with the boys turned to tears as I realize this could all be over oh-so-soon? It is not an easy task to say- "Not my will, but thine be done."

Do those words sound familiar? They should- they are the same ones Jesus said right before being taken into custody by the Roman officials to begin trials that would ultimately lead to his crucifixion. (Luke 22:42) I don't feel so bad at my grasping for more time and begging God to not let me go through suffering when I remember Jesus did the same thing in the Garden of Gethsemane.

During one of Brad and my "talks" we give to church groups, someone asked if I had connected that when Jesus asked for this "cup to be taken from him" aka not have to go thru crucifixion, God said "no".

I want so badly for a miracle, to be healed, to have the life I always assumed I would have time to live. I pray. You pray. We all pray for...ice cream...er, wait, I mean healing! (and ice cream too) But that doesn't mean God will say yes.

Sometimes we don't get what we want in this life. Sometimes the baby we've prayed for, hoped for, spent a whole lotta money towards fertility treatments for, ultimately doesn't come. Sometimes the timeline you had planned for getting married hasn't happened. Sometimes our loved ones pass too soon, or our child gets a bad medical report, or our house is carried away in a flood. To put it eloquently- sometimes life just sucks.

Can God still be trusted?

Yes.

Why can God be trusted? How can I trust him? I'll leave the writer of Romans to answer that question:

"Can anything separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?...No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. 

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life,  neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:35,37-39)

Ultimately it comes down to my world-view and belief system that says- this life is not all there is. And in the scheme of eternity, God is absolutely working ALL things together for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Even a stage four breast cancer diagnosis.

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