"Ending" Treatment
Only one week left of radiation...that should make me excited, right? I watch day after day as women "ring the bell" signaling the end of their treatment. They are so thrilled that they made it through all the chemo, surgery, and radiation...to the end.
I don't feel that same excitement about ending treatment. Mostly because I know, treatment will never really be "through" for me. I don't plan to "ring the bell" next week because I will not be free from cancer. When you have my diagnosis, plus my response to chemo, plus as many residual lymph nodes as I had, it means my body is still full of tiny tumors floating around my circulatory and lymphatic systems.
Even tonight, I'm having trouble sleeping while thinking about a small 2mm nodule that I can feel on my chest. This very well may be the recurrence I've been dreading for the past ten months. What if it is a chest wall recurrence and my small glimmer of hope of being cured is finally gone?
I do know that if I have a recurrance, things will progress rapidly. There just simply aren't solutions, medicines, or therapies to help someone with metastatic triple negative breast cancer. It is just a matter of how long it takes for cancer to overcome one or more of your organs that determines how long you will live.
Clinical Trials
If, assuming for a second, I have "No Evidence of Disease" at the end of next week, I will be hoping to start a trial. There is one at MDA I've been excited about since first being diagnosed. I'm not sure if they are still accepting patients and there are several hurdles to overcome, but if I was able to enroll, it would be very exciting.
There is one major downside to the trial- I would have to be post-menopausal. This would mean surgery to remove my ovaries.
I love babies- I love being pregnant, nursing, changing diapers, playing with, cuddling, rocking to sleep- the whole thing. I was able to get pregnant easily, had easy deliveries, and even nursing was easy. Motherhood seemed the most natural thing in the world for me.
The thought of losing my ability to reproduce- knowing I will never again be able to feel a baby kicking inside me or holding my newborn baby on my chest- is the first time I've really gotten upset about having cancer. In some ways I feel mad that it would, or even could, steal this away from me.
When I think more logically about it, I know it is a small price to pay to continue being a mother to the two beautiful, healthy, and delightful boys I already have. And I know that I'm optimizing all my treatments with only ONE goal in mind- and that is swinging for the fences, go big or go home, a cure from cancer.
So in light of my treatment priorities, having a surgery to go into menopause is simply a no-brainer. I would and will do everything in my power to be here for my boys.
The Boys
Speaking of the boys....man, do I miss them.
It reminds me of the first summer Brad and I were dating. I went to France to study abroad for three months while Brad stayed back in Atlanta to do an internship (and make money for someday, a ring!). I remember how my heart ached being apart from him. It was like half of me was missing being apart from him.
That is how it feels now being away from Noah and David for so long. David went back with Brad's parents to Atlanta for a couple weeks to lighten the load for my parents. I spent last weekend in Florida and missed getting to go home and see Noah. This many weeks away from them makes my heart ache. I can't wait to see Noah this weekend and David the weekend after next.
What I try and remind myself is that 1) the whole reason I'm in Houston and not Dallas is in an effort to survive and be there for them long-term and 2) they are so small they won't remember this, except for the extra bonds they are making with their grandparents right now.
Nice Days
In some ways I'll be sad to see this little chapter come to close. I've loved reconnecting with Brad, spending lots of quality time with Houston friends, resting, reading, exercising. This has been a precious time.
I'm so thankful for all the countless hours people in Dallas and Atlanta have given to make my treatment away from home possible. The support our friends and church family in Allen have given my parents is incredible. There is no way I'll even begin to pay back everyone for all the sacrifices that have been made on our behalf.
I hope they have Crisco in Heaven because I'm going to be making pies waaaay into eternity to ever come close to repaying all that these angels have done for me, Brad, David, Noah, Mom, Dad, and Brad's parents.
<3
Only one week left of radiation...that should make me excited, right? I watch day after day as women "ring the bell" signaling the end of their treatment. They are so thrilled that they made it through all the chemo, surgery, and radiation...to the end.
I don't feel that same excitement about ending treatment. Mostly because I know, treatment will never really be "through" for me. I don't plan to "ring the bell" next week because I will not be free from cancer. When you have my diagnosis, plus my response to chemo, plus as many residual lymph nodes as I had, it means my body is still full of tiny tumors floating around my circulatory and lymphatic systems.
Even tonight, I'm having trouble sleeping while thinking about a small 2mm nodule that I can feel on my chest. This very well may be the recurrence I've been dreading for the past ten months. What if it is a chest wall recurrence and my small glimmer of hope of being cured is finally gone?
I do know that if I have a recurrance, things will progress rapidly. There just simply aren't solutions, medicines, or therapies to help someone with metastatic triple negative breast cancer. It is just a matter of how long it takes for cancer to overcome one or more of your organs that determines how long you will live.
Clinical Trials
If, assuming for a second, I have "No Evidence of Disease" at the end of next week, I will be hoping to start a trial. There is one at MDA I've been excited about since first being diagnosed. I'm not sure if they are still accepting patients and there are several hurdles to overcome, but if I was able to enroll, it would be very exciting.
There is one major downside to the trial- I would have to be post-menopausal. This would mean surgery to remove my ovaries.
I love babies- I love being pregnant, nursing, changing diapers, playing with, cuddling, rocking to sleep- the whole thing. I was able to get pregnant easily, had easy deliveries, and even nursing was easy. Motherhood seemed the most natural thing in the world for me.
The thought of losing my ability to reproduce- knowing I will never again be able to feel a baby kicking inside me or holding my newborn baby on my chest- is the first time I've really gotten upset about having cancer. In some ways I feel mad that it would, or even could, steal this away from me.
When I think more logically about it, I know it is a small price to pay to continue being a mother to the two beautiful, healthy, and delightful boys I already have. And I know that I'm optimizing all my treatments with only ONE goal in mind- and that is swinging for the fences, go big or go home, a cure from cancer.
So in light of my treatment priorities, having a surgery to go into menopause is simply a no-brainer. I would and will do everything in my power to be here for my boys.
The Boys
Speaking of the boys....man, do I miss them.
It reminds me of the first summer Brad and I were dating. I went to France to study abroad for three months while Brad stayed back in Atlanta to do an internship (and make money for someday, a ring!). I remember how my heart ached being apart from him. It was like half of me was missing being apart from him.
That is how it feels now being away from Noah and David for so long. David went back with Brad's parents to Atlanta for a couple weeks to lighten the load for my parents. I spent last weekend in Florida and missed getting to go home and see Noah. This many weeks away from them makes my heart ache. I can't wait to see Noah this weekend and David the weekend after next.
What I try and remind myself is that 1) the whole reason I'm in Houston and not Dallas is in an effort to survive and be there for them long-term and 2) they are so small they won't remember this, except for the extra bonds they are making with their grandparents right now.
Nice Days
In some ways I'll be sad to see this little chapter come to close. I've loved reconnecting with Brad, spending lots of quality time with Houston friends, resting, reading, exercising. This has been a precious time.
I'm so thankful for all the countless hours people in Dallas and Atlanta have given to make my treatment away from home possible. The support our friends and church family in Allen have given my parents is incredible. There is no way I'll even begin to pay back everyone for all the sacrifices that have been made on our behalf.
I hope they have Crisco in Heaven because I'm going to be making pies waaaay into eternity to ever come close to repaying all that these angels have done for me, Brad, David, Noah, Mom, Dad, and Brad's parents.
<3
Continued prayers Ashleigh. I know it must be difficult to remain positive facing what you are but we're all praying for you and loving you as much as we possibly can!
ReplyDeleteContinuing to pray!!!!
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