Thursday, May 21, 2015

I am le tired

If you were around the interwebs in 2004 when I was in college this screen shot might mean something to you, if not, don't worry about it. :-)
Today I received a call that I had pictured in my head many times before. I imagined myself crumpling to the floor in a puddle of tears. Instead, I was loading groceries into the car while talking to the UT Southwestern radiologist about my case as if I was just another third-party patient of his - not like we were actually discussing...me.

My cross axillary lymph node (opposite side, under my armpit) that was biopsied last week came back positive for high grade (quickly replicating/aggressive) invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer). Part of me wasn't that surprised. When a 2 cm lymph node pops up quickly and you have a 95% chance of your cancer coming back, you sorta see it coming. Part of me was surprised because last week the radiologist had good arguments on why it looked possibly benign and even offered for me not to get it biopsied and just watch it instead.

We head back to MDAnderson next Tuesday to do scans and then figure out what to do next. Best case scenario is that it is isolated to the lymph nodes, we remove them via surgery, and then radiate the heck out of my left armpit. Essentially rinse and repeat on what we just did on the right side.

Worse case scenario is that it has spread to my other organs as well and we choose between one of the low-probability-of-working chemos still available to me, or I go on trial chemos and people experiment on me. Let's pray that's not the case...at least not yet.

Brad and I have been responding fairly light-heartedly about this latest news. Honestly, I think it is partly because we are pretty dog-gone tired. After almost a year of treatments, we are tired of this persistent battle, and tired of getting bad news on a fairly consistent basis. The treatments, the tests, the bad results, the fear, the processing, the emotions, and at the same time, the continuation of day-to-day life- it has given us quite the beat down. And we are emotionally exhausted.

I know that God is still in control, He still loves me, and has a plan....but honestly today my prayer was, "God- why are you trying to kill me??" haha

Deep breath everyone- here we go again.


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32 comments:

  1. AnonymousMay 21, 2015 at 7:03 AM

    No. God is not to blame. God does not want to kill you. Cancer want to kill you. DO NOT BLAME GOD!!!!!!

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    Replies
    1. FloMay 22, 2015 at 12:48 AM

      Simmer down and stop yelling at my friend, please. Thanks.

      Delete
    2. AnonymousMay 22, 2015 at 9:00 AM

      God never kills anybody.Our body is imperfect so sick and die. God has no plan.Stop blaming him for everything. I do not cry your friend just ask a little respect to our heavenly father.
      Should not make fun of God!!!!!
      Thaks.

      Delete
    3. AnonymousMay 22, 2015 at 9:50 AM

      Ashlee was being honest and a bit facetious. The Lord can handle this... He knows her heart. He knows she is faithful to Him. He knows exactly how we feel at every moment anyway.

      Please be encouraging to her or consider not commenting on her page.

      Delete
    4. JennGoMay 22, 2015 at 9:58 AM

      I agree with the person above me. If any of us were going through what she's going through, I'm sure we would feel that way at times if not worse. She has had more faith and joy through this experience than seems humanly possible. I'm glad that she doesn't hide her true feelings from us but instead shows us her humanity. She was definitely not making fun of God. She was just expressing her feelings in a really disappointing moment. Ashleigh, thank you for being transparent and for sharing this journey with us... Both the good AND the bad.

      Delete
    5. AnonymousMay 22, 2015 at 11:35 AM

      I have metastatic breast cancer and I never blamed God for my condition.
      God is my refuge not my executioner.
      Please keep you quiet.
      You do not know this disease.
      SHUT UP!!!!

      Delete
    6. UnknownMay 22, 2015 at 8:05 PM

      ^^^^^hey troll- please get off my friend's page. If you knew Ash, you'd know her heart. She's battling cancer. She doesn't need to deal with the stress of you. Kindly disengage.

      We love you Ash! Prayers from the Wallaces

      Delete
    7. KarenMay 23, 2015 at 7:16 AM

      You're the troll.....Please shut up if you have something better to say.
      You are very rude, you should a woman with metastatic breast cancer, I only defended my heavenly father.
      God does not kill....God is LOVE.

      Shut Kristin.

      Delete
    8. AnonymousMay 27, 2015 at 8:42 PM

      Yo, Karen, go read a Psalm. Oh, and you might want to peruse Genesis 6:9-9:17 while you're at it, just to clear up any misconceptions you might have.

      Delete
    9. KarenMay 28, 2015 at 6:36 PM

      And you should examine Ephesians 4:29
      And also put into practice the words of psalm 27:1.

      Delete
    10. Brad RangeJune 14, 2015 at 7:33 PM

      Late to the party here but wanted to set the record straight. God ABSOLUTELY kills people, and you don't even need to go to the Old Testament stories of Noah (God kills EVERYONE), Moses (God kills first born in Egypt), Joshua (God kills all Canaanite people) to see it. God killed Jesus (Isaiah 53:6,10). God killed Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5).

      I'll allow you that some things (like cancer) aren't necessarily CAUSED by God - these are symptoms of the fact we live in a broken world marked by the stain of sin and death. But you can't make any cogent argument that these things happen apart from the will of God. See the book of Job - God didn't cause Job's suffering, but he certainly allowed it.

      I guess you can argue that some things (like cancer) happen apart from the will of God if you make the assertion (as Anon. does above) that "God has no plan". But what use is a god who has no plan, or at best has a plan but limited ability to carry it out? I submit that such a god is a puny, man-sized shadow of the God of the Bible, who not only created the universe but actively holds it together (Colossians 1:16-17)

      Thank you to those who know Ashleigh's heart and jumped to her defense. For our part, we've sat back with a metaphorical bowl of popcorn and giggled that something we posted would inspire a comment war on the internet :-)

      Delete
    11. AnonymousJuly 20, 2015 at 6:37 AM

      Regarding God, the Bible tells us: “Perfect is his activity, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness who is never unjust; righteous and upright is he.” (Deuteronomy 32:4) That being the case, is it consistent or even comprehensible that a God who is “righteous and upright” would intend for humans to suffer or that he would use calamities to punish or purify them?

      On the contrary, the Bible tells us: “When under trial, let no one say: ‘I am being tried by God.’ For with evil things God cannot be tried, nor does he himself try anyone.” (James 1:13) In fact, we learn from the Bible that God gave mankind a perfect start. He gave the first humans, Adam and Eve, a beautiful home, all of life’s necessities, and meaningful work to do. God told them: “Be fruitful and become many, fill the earth and subdue it.” Adam and Eve certainly had no reason to be disappointed in God.—Genesis 1:28.

      But today, living conditions are far from perfect. In fact, throughout history, mankind’s plight has been severe. True is the description: “All creation keeps on groaning together and being in pain together until now.” (Romans 8:22) What happened?

      To understand why there is suffering, we should go back to the time when it started. Induced by a rebellious angel, later called Satan the Devil, Adam and Eve rejected God’s standards of right and wrong as represented by the command for them to refrain from eating of “the tree of the knowledge of good and bad.” The Devil told Eve that they would not die if they disobeyed God, thus accusing God of being a liar. Satan also accused God of withholding from his subjects the right to determine good and bad. (Genesis 2:17; 3:1-6) Satan implied that mankind would be better off without God’s rulership. All of this raised an issue of vital importance—Was God fit to rule?

      The Devil raised yet another issue. He accused humans of serving God with selfish motives. About faithful Job, the Devil said to God: “Have you not put up a protective hedge around him and his house and everything he has? . . . But, for a change, stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your very face.” (Job 1:10, 11) Though Satan’s words were about Job, the implication was that all humans have selfish motives for serving God.

      Delete
    12. AnonymousJuly 20, 2015 at 6:42 AM

      What would be the best way to resolve those fundamental issues once and for all? God, who is all-wise, had the best solution—one that does not leave us feeling disappointed. (Romans 11:33) He decided to allow humans to rule themselves for a time and let the results prove whose rulership is superior.

      The miserable conditions on earth today are clear evidence that human rulership has utterly failed. Not only have worldly governments failed to bring peace, security, and happiness but they have also brought the earth to the brink of ruin. This reinforces the fundamental truth stated in the Bible: “It does not belong to man who is walking even to direct his step.” (Jeremiah 10:23) Only God’s way of ruling can guarantee lasting peace, happiness, and prosperity to mankind, because that is God’s purpose.—Isaiah 45:18.

      How, then, will God bring the human condition in line with his purpose? Recall that Jesus taught his followers to pray: “Let your Kingdom come. Let your will take place, as in heaven, also on earth.” (Matthew 6:10) Yes, in due time God, through his Kingdom, will remove all causes of suffering. (Daniel 2:44) Poverty, disease, and death will be things of the past. Regarding the poor, the Bible indicates that God “will rescue the poor who cry for help.” (Psalm 72:12-14) As for the sick, the Bible promises: “No resident will say: ‘I am sick.’” (Isaiah 33:24) Even concerning the dead ones who are in God’s memory, Jesus said: “The hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.” (John 5:28, 29)

      Delete
  2. AnonymousMay 21, 2015 at 8:45 AM

    Praying for you in Michigan!!!!!!!!!!! God's abundant peace, grace, mercy, and love over you and your family. Stay strong.
    Kelly

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  3. AnonymousMay 21, 2015 at 8:48 AM

    I am so sorry to hear this. I know you are so very tired. Continuing to pray hard for you and your family.

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  4. Aimee BMay 21, 2015 at 9:34 AM

    Ashleigh, I am in tears. This is not the news I wanted to hear. Hugs and prayers to you and your family!!!!

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  5. megMay 21, 2015 at 1:27 PM

    Oh no, I just thought of you today and felt compelled to check for an update on the biopsy. I'm beyond words sorry -- deeply deeply sorry. And I just shook my head at the end of the post about your being exhausted. I totally get it. I feel that exhaustion just imagining the fight you've already had, and like you said on top of your normal life. God bless you ... He has certainly blessed me by leading me to your blog and I'm so honored to pray for your family. Prayers in Indiana --

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  6. AnonymousMay 21, 2015 at 3:14 PM

    I'm so sorry you got more bad news....I've been checking your blog for updates and praying for you and your family. I can only imagine how exhausted you are in mind, body and soul.. You have already endured more than anyone should have to, ever! Praying for strength for you as you keep fighting. And regarding an earlier comment, I think you can blame whoever or whatever you want ;) - sending love and prayers from CA

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  7. AnonymousMay 21, 2015 at 4:03 PM

    So sorry to hear this news. We are praying for you.
    --Christina (Janna's friend from New Orleans)

    P.S. That was one of my favorite comics when I was in college :) "But I am le tired... then FIRE ZE MISSILES!"

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  8. MandyMay 21, 2015 at 4:40 PM

    Ashleigh, sending love and prayers from California. God promises rest for weary souls!

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  9. UnknownMay 21, 2015 at 5:54 PM

    Ashleigh, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I am sure you must be beyond exhausted. Will continue to pray for your healing and that your family remain calm, at peace, and strong. Sending love from New York City.

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  10. andy chooMay 22, 2015 at 3:33 AM

    PD-1 - please ask your doctor about it. Seriously, it's the most promising for triple negative breast cancer, and side effects are far more tolerable than that of chemo.

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  11. AnonymousMay 22, 2015 at 4:36 AM

    We send our love and prayers, stay strong Ash!

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  12. UnknownMay 22, 2015 at 5:37 AM

    Keep fighting! Praying for his mercies for you every day. He loves you so, SO MUCH!
    Julie

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  13. HolliMay 22, 2015 at 6:26 AM

    I'm so sorry to hear this news. I'm about to hit the one year mark in my own IBC treatment plan… the idea of needing to start chemo again makes me tired too. Praying you are able to find some beauty and joy in each day during this new round of treatment.

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  14. UnknownMay 22, 2015 at 6:34 AM

    Praying for you and your family, sweet Ashleigh! Your courage and hope is an amazing witness. Thank you for pointing us back to scripture as we follow your journey. God is good and God is in control. Praying that He will encourage you with peace that passes all understanding.

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  15. AnonymousMay 22, 2015 at 1:45 PM

    This entry makes me think of David and all he went through as Saul pursued him. He was worn out and often cried out to God in the Psalms in very honest ways. God called him a man after His own heart, and in the end He saved David from Saul and raised him up. Praying that God likewise saves you from the relentless cancer cells. Our God is a God who saves.

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  16. UnknownMay 22, 2015 at 9:39 PM

    I am praying for comfort for you, Ashleigh. Have you read "The Hardest Peace" by Kara Tippetts? Kara went home in March after a 2+ year battle with breast cancer. Her blog is great http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/ Kara was an incredible writer. Her husband and friends are continuing her blog along with blog postings from 2012.

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  17. AnonymousMay 24, 2015 at 3:56 PM

    Dear Ashleigh, I am so sorry to hear that but all is not lost. Yesterday no longer exists and neither does tomorrow. But today you are together with your beautiful babies and your dear partner. These moments are for eternity. I remember when your hair grew back so quickly after the first round of chemo. I thought then that your hair is a symbol of your resilient body.

    In a few days, I will be celebrating a 90th birthday of a dear family friend. She is a survivor of a stage 4 cancer - I don't know what type- with metastasis to her bones which she had when she was in her early 40s. She is a dancer and will probably dance at her party, in spite of the diabetes, cancer, and other illnesses that come with the old age.

    You have done everything right and you will be fine.

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  18. HollyMay 25, 2015 at 8:48 PM

    So sorry Ashleigh. Praying for you.

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  19. Megan CampbellMay 27, 2015 at 9:12 PM

    I'm praying for you sweetheart and for your family. God has His hand in this and will give you strength, and put people in your life that will help you through this. I'm adding your to our church prayer list, and am wishing you all the very, very best for this next round. It's a marathon, I'm sure, and you are stronger than you know. Much, much powerful love and big hugs to you and yours. xoxoxo Megan Campbell

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