Hair today…

[…gone tomorrow! One of my friends from business school sent that pun to me and it tickled me so much. I’m very thankful for the folks that have been able to make me laugh in the midst of this situation. There aren’t many, but the ones that have, have provided a welcome relief from all the seriousness. Thanks Lydia for your pun!]

1 Peter 3:3-4

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

My hair started coming out on Monday of last week (Day 15 of the chemo), which was a lot later than I was expecting. My scalp started itching and it felt like I had it in a hair tie for too long where your head sorta aches, similar to a sunburn on your scalp. By Wednesday, it was coming out in handfuls and it got to the point where it was just a logistical challenge to put all the hair somewhere. Brad was at work when I decided I could probably figure out how to use his razor and shave it off. I wasn’t really thinking about the emotional side of doing it by myself. In my brain at the time, I was sick of pulling all my hair out, and I thought I could handle the razor on my head. I took the first swipe across the top of my head and instantly regretted not waiting for someone to be home with me. But you can’t really stop after you’ve buzzed one strip on the top of your head. So I stopped— put my pearls in— then kept going and finished buzzing my head. There were definitely some tears as my new look took shape. It seemed very extreme and harsh. Between the extra pregnancy weight in my face, no makeup on, and now my G.I. Jane head, my reflection was painful to look at. I took a shower to get all the hair off me, put on my makeup, a cute outfit, and a pretty scarf and I felt good again. It felt like me just without all the long hair.

I appreciate everyone that shared such kind words via Facebook— that has definitely helped me through this transition. If I had known how many nice comments I’d get without hair, I might have shaved it off earlier!

My biggest concern was with Noah. I was really afraid I would scare him if he saw me bald. When I picked him up from school with just a scarf on my head, he just stared at me for a little bit. By the end of the evening- even when he saw the bald head, he was cool with it. That was a relief!

Sabrina and I had gone out a couple days before a found a wig. Here are a few of the looks I tried on:

We finally settled on this one:

It turns out there isn’t a ton of demand for strawberry blonde wigs so I’ll be a brunette for a little while. I’m happy my eyebrows and eyelashes haven’t fallen out yet. I hear that is around the corner— I’m afraid when that happens it will be even harder to continue looking feminine and pretty. Losing those comparatively few hairs could be an even harder transition than losing all the hairs on the top of my head. I just don’t want to look sick. I feel so good and healthy right now. I don’t want people to stop and stare at me in the grocery store feeling sorry for me.

In the end would I rather have pretty long hair with a unique color to it? Yes. Is it the end of the world to be bald? No. Do Brad, Noah, and David all love me with or without my hair? Yes. Should I have found my beauty from something other than my hair all along? Absolutely.

I would say this is another answer to prayer.